Saturday, April 3, 2010
On Thursday last I settled into my evening meditation as is my habit in the evening. The focus of this meditation was mindfulness, which is to say being the Silent Witness which observes objects arising in consciousness, observes those objects themselves and observes when those objects leave consciousness. Sometimes the Silent Witness observes those moments that have no perceptible objects in consciousness. As I remained as the Silent Witness, the frequency of objects arising in consciousness slowed down as is my experience, but then something unexpected happened.
As I existed as the Silent Witness, it was noted that there was an increasing sense of pressure in the skull, for all the world like a bubble was forming under the surface of thick oil and was slowly fighting its way to the top. This sensation increased, and the Silent Witness noted a growing feeling of unease and even fear from the ego, accompanied by a violent trembling of the body, concentrated in the arms and the musculature connecting the chest muscles and neck. I intuited this was a physical exhibition of the fear reaction being expressed by the ego. Nevertheless, the Silent Witness continued to observe and the meditation continued.
At length, the feeling of increasing pressure in my head decreased but did not stop, as if the “bubble” had swollen so as to contain less pressure, but the manifestations of body twitches continued. As the meditation concluded, I recognized that I was still embodying the Silent Witness, and I was aware of the ego and the sense of “I” as distinctly separate from the Silent Witness, reduced merely to objects in consciousness themselves. This is not typical at the conclusion of a meditation but hardly unique in my experience; the initial experience of nondual consciousness is typically a single timeless moment lasting in reality perhaps a few seconds or even perhaps a half hour, but it is a temporary peak experience as compared to a stable and consequently permanent stage. Those who wish to move forward from an isolated peak experience to a new stage of development often must spend considerable time and effort to encourage the ego to let go. I took care of some minor chores I had neglected earlier in the evening and eventually went to bed.
I remember distinctly when my body fell asleep. The Silent Witness noted the slowing of the breathing and heartbeat and eventually even noted the beginning of REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep. However, I was conscious during this entire interval, noting the arising of dreams and random thoughts as objects in consciousness. Eventually I awoke, remaining as the Silent Witness and still accompanied by the twitching of my musculature and the sensation of pressure in my head I went about my day.
During Friday I remained as the Silent Witness, performing my various tasks at work while the mirror that reflects all but keeps nothing remaining everpresent. My ego remained a useful tool, as it allowed me to become a person when the occasion demanded it but always the Silent Witness observed the activities my mind and body were performing. I found that certain changes had occurred; I noticed that my conditioned responses seemed muted or even absent, the impulse to eat food mechanically and without thought was absent, and various characteristic mannerisms such as a tendency to handle objects while thinking or even habitual jokes in response to certain social situations seemed absent as well. I noticed I now tended to remain motionless unless something required me to move, contrasting to my normal wont of changing position or otherwise fidgeting periodically. And always the implacable calm, objective, unchanging and unchangeable, existing in the eternal now while observing the world around me and the activities of my body and mind.
This persisted throughout the entire day. Only close to midnight did something happen that shocked me sufficiently to drive the Silent Witness from me.
